Substitute Teaching, Part 1

December, 1999 - June, 2000

I had a semester off inbetween undergrad and law school, and decided to use that time in the most productive way I knew how - substitute high school teaching (by productive, I really mean a job with the most money, least amount of stress and the highest degreee of schedule flexibility.  Because if it's a Tuesday and I don't feel like working, why should I?).

The great thing about substitute teaching in high school is that the real teachers don't actually expect you to do anything.  I substitute taught over 100 days in over 10 different high schools, and I only remember 1 time that I actually had to teach a lesson.  The rest of the days involve either popping in a movie or staring at the kids as they avoid doing some menial sheet of nothingness the teacher left for them.

Obviously, this set-up could lead to some of the most extreme boredom imaginable.  So I had to take it into my own hands to make sure I wasn't bored sitting there all day (who cares about the kids emotional state).  Following are a few of the highlights from my time substitute teaching:

1.  I look outside the window of the classroom and there is a flock of at least a dozen wild turkeys strolling through the parking lot.  I happened to have an extremely obnoxious kid that hour who wouldn't shut up the entire class.  Instantly seeing an opportunity to solve my problem, I told him to go outside and chase the turkeys away.  After a period of back and forth, he realized I was serious and happily took off out of the classroom.  By this time, the entire class is at the window watching what would happen next.  We see the door of the school open and the kid go running into the parking lot.  So far, so good.  But all of a sudden, the entire flock of turkeys simultaneously turns and stares at the kid.  Bam.  He stops dead in his tracks and looks like he is about to pee his pants.  After it became obvious the turkeys weren't going to budge and he didn't dare move a muscle, I proceeded to open the window and yell, "Nice work, ya nancy boy.  Now get back in here before they peck your eyes out."  Needless to say, he didn't say a word the rest of the class.

2.  Kid comes up to the desk and asks, "Can my buddy and I go downtown to the bakery and get some donuts?"  (I imagine this was a test to see how far they could push me, but I didn't care, I also happened to want a donut.)  My reply, "Sure, but you're buying me one as well."  15 minutes later, the kid comes sauntering back into the classroom with a single donut in his hand.  Oh, hell no, I thought. Me: "Where's my donut, dude?"  Dude: "I didn't think you were serious." Me:  "You honestly thought I would let you leave school grounds to buy baked goods, but not be serious about buying me one. Dude, really?"  Dude: "Sorry."  Me: "Why are you still standing there, go get me a donut!"  15 minutes later, I had my donut and all was right with the world.

3.  There was one particular high school where I was the only substitute teacher they had willing to sub for the shop teacher, and happened to also be the HS where I was the head varsity girl's track coach (many stories for another day).  This was not a particularly troublesome high school, but bad enough that they had a policewomen roaming the halls during the day.  These kids were always trying to sneak out on me.  On multiple occasions, the cop would throw one of them back into the classroom, with a simple "Another one got loose on you."  One time, the kids and I were just sitting there staring at each other, when one of them gets up and just sprints out the door at top speed.  He was probably having an acid flashback, but I did the only thing I could thing of - ran after him.  I eventually caught him in the parking lot and grabbed ahold of his shirt.  My response to the startled look on his face?  "Next time you bolt, don't do it when the track coach is the sub.  He can out run you."

4.  Same shop class as the previous story.  The shop teacher was smart and would purposefully not leave me the key to his office where the master switch was located to turn on the equipment. (Not sure if it was the kids or me he didn't trust.)  One day, I'm sitting there in the classroom side of the shop space, and I hear the equipment turn on from the shop space.  Puzzled, I saunter over there and see a kid on top of a ladder with his head poking through the space of a removed ceiling tile.  (As far as I can remember, he had a screw driver and pliers in his hands.)  Me:  "Hey buddy, what you doing?"  Buddy: "Nothing."  Me: "Wait, did you just hot wire the classroom?"  Buddy:  "Maybe." Me:  "Turn it off and get your butt in your seat.  But don't worry, I won't tell anybody, because that is the awesomest thing I have ever seen."

5.  Last week's entry provides some context of my general attitude toward my own high school experience.  During junior year physics class, I used to sit in the back of the room and throw bouncy balls when the teacher had the lights off and was trying to explain things like kinetic energy on an overhead projector (don't even get me started on why physics and overhead projectors should never go together).  Of course, the teacher could never figure out who the culprit was and never even thought to blame the quiet, straight A student in the back.  Five years later, I am substitute teaching in the same classroom, and open the middle drawer of her desk.  And guess what I found?  Yep, a box full of my bouncy balls.  And guess what I did with them?  If you guessed: smiled to myself and shut the drawer, you haven't been paying attention.  If you guessed: threw them at the kids and then took the kids out in the hallway for a bouncy ball fight, you're feeling me.

Plenty more substitute teaching stories to come...